----------------------------------------------- */ ----------------------------------------------- */ ----------------------------------------------- */ ----------------------------------------------- */ ----------------------------------------------- */ ----------------------------------------------- */ The Fabulous Adventures of Astera: Writer/Actress for Hire: A Crossroads

The Fabulous Adventures of Astera: Writer/Actress for Hire

Meet Astera (aka: me), a star in her own mind. Our plucky little heroine has embarked on not one but two difficult, low-paying career paths: writing and acting. Witness the menial jobs! The unreasonable demands! The quirky friends and family! And the glimmer of success just ahead! Through it all, Astera maintains her core beliefs: 1) She is destined to be fabulous 2) Everything is more fun with a cocktail.

Friday, September 16, 2005

A Crossroads

I think T.S. Eliot had it wrong. I think that September, not April, is the cruelest month. At least, for me it has been. First, there's all the damage from Hurricane Katrina. Then, there's the anniversary of the September 11 bombings. And September 12 is the anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. To top it all off, my grandma passed away on September 11, adding another layer of sadness to an already terrible day.

I used to love September. School started, the weather turned crisp, the leaves turned bright and colorful. It always felt like the beginning of a new year, even more so than the official new year in January. But this year in particular, September has been full of distress. It has caused me to question a lot of things in my life. What am I really doing? I was just at a weeeknd bachelorette party (a lone bright spot in the rest of this depressing month), and so many of the women there seemed so accomplished and self-assured. I feel like I am still figuring out my path. Am I really going to be an actress? That has been rather un-fabulous lately. Very few auditions, no callbacks. Is it time to give up and admit that maybe I just don't have what it takes, or should I continue to persevere? How can I put my writing to better use? Most of the stuff that I have worked on pays the bills (mostly), but it's not exactly groundbreaking or of any real significance. Does that matter? What's really important, anyway? I am a strong believer in the so-called "quarter-life crisis," the "Oh-my-God, what am I doing with my life" feeling that hits upon entry into the real world, but I feel like mine has gone on for much too long.

My husband, Mr. Pink, isn't happy, either. His job depresses him and he misses the surf of Southern California. So what are we to do? Look for new jobs or find fulfillment elsewhere? He's being recruited for a position in Orange County that would pay double what he makes now. It's not a sure thing, but even though money shouldn't be the deciding factor, it would be hard to turn down such an offer, should it come to pass. That might boost his spirits, but it would be another huge change in our already-unstable lives.

And as for me...well, I may just have to make peace with the fact that September may be a wash. Maybe October will be better. And maybe stability is boring. Maybe it's time to embrace the "unknowingness" of life, and accept that everything changes in an instant. A little difficult for a type-A personality. Am I up for the challenge?


  • At 4:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have read most of your entries but the last two entries spurned me to write. I wanted to say I am sorry for your health problems. I have also had cancer ( twice ) and know how difficult it can be - especially for a young bride who should not have to worry about these things for another 50 years.
    Just know that you are not along and remember all of those people going through chemo who will not make it like us - that thought helped me get through the process.

    I was also sorry to read about your acting doubts. When I was tired of going to school and thought about quitting, I spoke to my mate who gave me encouragement and I got my degree and then a job I truly care about. I would have a heart to heart with your husband and maybe he can help you see something you can not. If your acting goal is to become rich and famous then you are fighting huge odds - only a very small amount of people reach that level - even those with true talent. If you want to act for the joy and love of it, then you have a much better chance of reaching your goal.Maybe you will have to be satisfied with the joy of acting in local theater and not worry about making a living with it.

    As I have read your pass entires, I have been taken back by some of your judgements of others. I hope
    you realize that everyone is different and everyone has their own problems as you have. As I am sure you realize, life is complicated and we should look for what is right with people instead of what is wrong with people.... ie ... past people you have worked with or have been on auditions with.

    Good Luck

  • At 6:16 PM, Blogger Astera said…

    Thank you for your thoughts. I am coming to a new realization about the place acting is going to have in my life. I'm in a small market, so it will be more of an avocation than a vocation. I was just hoping to book at least one or two paying jobs and maybe get my SAG card, but I know what the odds are.

    As for my comments about others, I see this blog as my place to vent and offer my skewed view of the world. It's where I get to say the things that I would never say to someone's face. My problem is, I don't have a lot of patience and I don't deal well with people who are happy with mediocrity (and there are a lot of those people out there, it seems). HOWEVER. I am trying to be more positive, because I think it will help my mental state, thus helping my physical state. But some people need to be called out for their stupidity. My blog...my opinions.


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